It’s 11:20 on Monday night. I am laying on my bed and have a glass of red wine on the night table. It’s a good wine (by my standards) which costs about $35. I permit myself a glass once in a while; only when I am really in the mood. Itunes is quietly looping through a list of music and I am thinking about what my week holds.
I have an overwhelming sense of being lost.
I think about all the time that I don’t have and I begin to wonder if my life will pass before my eyes, if I will wake up one day on my death bed and wonder where the time went. And I come to realize that the one thing I want, is to awake on the last morn of my life, and know that it was well lived.
I want to be the ship with a clear course and a destination port. I don’t want to be the ship that is lost at sea, that is tossed about in the turmoil and violence of the storm.
And with that thought in mind I begin to ponder my situation.
There are 24 hours in a day/night and I am at least partially awake for 17 of those hours. During the week, 9 hours are spent at working which leaves me with 8 hours. At least one hour a day is spent on hygiene, (shower etc). I spend about an hour a day driving from home to work to school leaving me with 6 hours. Of that 6 hours, I spend about 3 hours at school.
For the remaining 3 hours, I try to drag myself to the gym, where I will attempt to exert any additional energy that I may have. If I can’t muster the energy I usually spend the time paying bills, bogging, checking emails, talking to people I love or simply reading/watching TV.
On the weekend I try to catch up on all the house work that has accumulated over the week, plan and make meals for the future week, catch up on homework, see family and get groceries.
I have often pondered my inability to sleep…then one day I realized that the main reason I wake up is because my brain hasn’t shut off. It’s been thinking about something in the middle of night… and somewhere in the deep vault of my brain, an electrical current is sent that says “HEY!!! Wake up…you need to remember this”. And so I lie awake and think about things….
When I first bought my condo I would wake up in the middle of the night and start to paint. I would paint the baseboards or I would clean the house… and it seemed to ease and calm my mind. These days I am simply to tired to get out of bed.
And thus I lie awake in a semi conscious state of awareness. I wonder about things like ‘locked-in’ syndrome and the meaning of life.
And in the mumble jumble of my thoughts I find peace in the slow and steady breath that comes without thought. And I know then that my life is only as complicated and busy as I make it.
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3 comments:
Sounds like you are so busy, you must enjoy bluestocking as a break from your busy schedule.
Maybe you should think of a cruise ship with a main destination port. Most cruise ships stop at many points of interest with many interesting things to see and do. It might take you a little longer to get to the main destination, you may even get diareah but it's a lot more fun. Please don't forget to enjoy the ride life is giving you. Your past is the important thing that shapes you into the wonderful person you are. Some of your past makes you proud and some doesn't but all of it is important. If you went directly from an infant to married with with grown children and grandchildren, you would be a very boring person. So embrace the long walk to class on a cold night, and forgive a parent, sibbling or friend that may have wronged you, cause whether you are realizing it or not, you are a wonderful person and you weren't just born that way. Try to make the right choice when choices come your way and don't forget to smell the roses along the way.
Keeping a pen and paper next to the bed helps. Maybe it's in our jeans but I often find my mind whirring in the middle of the night, that seems to be when I get most of my inspiration and creative ideas. Sometimes I wish I didn't need sleep so I could carry through on some of them. Actually I think Nana said she has the same problem too.
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